Remembering Dad ... and UM#34

Make Time for Small Reflections

Scroll down for Unconscious Mutterings

The Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor on this day in 1941 ... a Sunday 67 years ago.

It was my dad's 38th birthday ... a little more than 4 years before I was born in February of 1945. He never wanted to celebrate his birthday from that day forth, and I didn't understand his pain until I was older.

Today would have been Dad's 105th ... the age HIS father was when Grandpa passed on ... but work-related cancer took my father at the age of 72 when I was just 30, so I haven't had him around the last 33 years to listen to his stories ... search through coins with him for his collection ... or talk 'baseball' with.

I've shared more in 'Memories of Dad' at Happily Retired Gal this morning. If your dad is still in your life ... I hope you'll take a moment to give him a big hug & tell him how much you love him ... just because.

Happy Birthday Daddy ... I miss you every day.
Your baby girl

This is the 306th issue of ...

I'm participating for the 34th time today.
How about you?

What comes to YOUR mind?
If you'd like to play here, copy and paste the clues in comments along with your responses ... or post on your blog and let me know so I can visit ;--)

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Love affair :: Cary Grant & Deborah Kerr in 'An Affair to Remember'
   
2. Bubble :: John Travolta ... the 'Boy in the Bubble'
   
3. Pimple :: teenagers & acne
   
4. Knocks :: Opportunity
   
5. Persistent :: long lasting
   
6. Infected :: immunity
   
7. Yay! :: we may get some more (much needed) rain today in Southern California ... finally
   
8. Repaint :: something I need to do to my exterior staircase
   
9. Daily :: Show with Jon Stewart
   
10. Quickly! :: responding to these prompts each Sunday
    

Your turn: I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Love affair ::
2. Bubble ::
3. Pimple ::
4. Knocks ::
5. Persistent ::
6. Infected ::
7. Yay! ::
8. Repaint ::
9. Daily ::
10. Quickly! ::

Click for others muttering today.

Small Reflections ... Smile Back

Thought for Today
"Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes."
Gloria Naylor

HoTs #5 & Slice of Life #2 - Memories of Mom

This week's theme/prompt is:

HEADS - Mother

I wrote of my mom on January 7th at Sacred Ruminations. I've quoted myself here by way of 'introduction' ... and to get me started writing about my mom somehow.

"I've been thinking of my mom today as I've done several loads of laundry and a few other chores around the house. Having neglected these tasks in favor of blogging lately, I'm feeling a wee bit guilty though I often choose to release worry and guilt these days (after cultivating this new habit over time) so I'm not likely to lose any sleep over it. I've enjoyed learning to do new things, meeting new people through their blogs, experimenting with sharing previous writings from my journals, discovering comments, and responding from the heart. Some days I spend more time at the computer than I'd care to admit. My life is so much easier than hers. She never worked outside the home because my Dad didn't want her too, and she did have three kids to raise once I appeared on the scene.

Mom always did laundry on Mondays, and we kids would help her hang the clothes on the outdoor lines to dry. Rainy Mondays always threw her off because she had specific days to do different tasks. Tuesday was for ironing, but I don't recall which specific tasks she assigned to other days. She cleaned, baked, mended, sewed our clothes, darned socks, cooked meals, and volunteered at our schools & at church. We'd sit on the back porch together to shell peas, but Mom didn't let either my sister nor I help with cooking. We did take turns drying the dishes after dinner as she washed them carefully ... never trusting us with that task either. Occasionally she visited over the fence with neighbors, but for the most part was busy all the time taking care of the family.

My mother loved to play the old upright piano in our living room, and we often gathered around to listen and/or sing along. Later in life after all 3 of us kids were married and my had Dad died, she purchased a new piano and and large organ with multiple keyboards, stops, and foot pedals ... setting them up like Liberace and Corla Panda at right angles to one another so she could play each simply by turning on the stool. She watched them faithfully on television when we were kids, and took lessons as a senior citizen ... acquiring new skills with regular practice.

Possibly the time I'm spending at my computer is similar to the time Mom devoted to mastering musical skill, once she had the time to pursue that interest for pleasure. I suspect she'd wholeheartedly approve of me sharing my writing on these two blogs as she shared her music joyfully."

* * * * *
Now ... 4 months later ...
I'm even more certain Mom would approve.

My mom died of an aneurysm when I was 44 and she ... just 78. Writing about her challenges me whenever I make the effort. I struggled with the preceding piece back in January, and mention her only 2 or 3 times in my 101 Things about Me. It's 6:20am and I've spent 12 minutes staring at the blinking cursor ... trying to decide where to begin and what to share. I guess I'll see just how long it takes me to write and publish something ;--)

~~~~~~~~~~

I 'happened' as a total surprise. My dad had assured her that he was 'sterile' due to hospital treatments ... and she must have believed him. I overheard her (later in life) retell the story of the day she realized she was pregnant with me ... how she cried as she shared with a friend while hanging laundry, lamenting 'she didn't know what she'd do or how they'd manage' ... so I suspect if it hadn't been 1945 (when abortions weren't easily available nor talked about) I might never have 'arrived' at all. That said ...
part of me fully understands.

Mom already struggled against great odds ... with two 'sickly' kids she almost lost to 'medical complications' as babies and a husband who had just been released from the hospital ... had no job (or prospects for finding one) ... and who was adamant that SHE not seek work outside the home. Nothing came easily for mom, but somehow she held on ... steeling herself as she humbly accepted 'charity' from extended family and church to keep us fed and clothed even as she would have preferred to get a job herself ... and most likely would have been able to use her considerable secretarial skills effectively to succeed!

She was a product of a strict 'Dutch' upbringing in Michigan ... youngest of 5 children born to immigrants from Holland who spoke no English themselves who wouldn't let their kids speak anything but English because they wanted their children to be 'Americans' and felt 'language' essential for success. Her father ran a grocery store across the street from Leonard's Refrigerator ... and when my sister & I visited decades later the 'store' was still there with a huge Kelvinator plant across the street.

Her family moved to California when she was 12 or 13 and she met my father at church when she was in her early 20s. He was 10 years older than her ... born & bred in Kansas. They couldn't have been different from one another, but they shared deep love from the start ... and when he died of cancer in February of 1976 ... she was devastated.

My fondest memories of mom return to times she played with me when I was young ... turning rope ... teaching me 'double Dutch' and 'jacks' ...(she was unbeatable always). She learned to drive a car when I turned 14 ... about the same time my brother was teaching ME to drive his Plymouth 'stick shift' ... w/o my parent's knowledge. (I can't believe I forgot to mention this in yesterday's post about him, but I'll need to share that story another time).

We had some 'difficult years' in my late 20s & early 30s ... I suspect because she was disappointed I gave her no grandchildren to 'dote' upon and because she didn't understand 'me' as 'separate (or different) from her' for a while ... but those 'rifts' passed and we became close in my mid 30s. I'm grateful for that decade or so of 'authentic connection' ... when each of us could 'speak our mind' ... agreeing to disagree on some issues ... valuing the relationship above all.

Our last breakfast together was at 'The Belgian Waffle Inn' during Spring Break of 1989 in March. We had a wonderful visit that morning and laughed often while sharing memories. My sister & her husband had taken their kids 'camping' for the week so I drove mom to the hospital for the 'routine test' to determine whether the 'aging replacement valves' in her heart (from heart surgery a decade earlier) could be replaced. She put her engagement and wedding rings on my right hand and asked me to wear them until she was finished with the test.

As I sat in the waiting room on that Monday afternoon by myself I heard the code ... knew it was her w/o being told ... listened to the doctor explain that her aorta had ruptured during the test but they were doing everything they could to save her ... moved to the waiting room of the ICU ... called my sister-in-law to let my brother know as I wondered how to reach my sister & her husband. My 'ex' figured that one out ... changing the message on our answering machine at home to provide the number of the pay phone at the hospital.

The doctor told us later that she coded multiple times but they revived her successfully ... and we faced the decision of what instructions to give them. All three of us knew 'quality of life' was the reason mom entered the hospital for the test ... so we signed the DNR and waited as she 'rallied' ... getting our hopes up for recovery after all. They rescheduled her for the surgery on Friday morning.

My sister & I arrived at the ICU around 8am ... heard 'the code' shortly after and once again I knew it was mom ... told Barb (who wasn't convinced) ... and we waited for the doctor to join us. When he did he apologized ... explaining that mom 'coded' at the 'change of shift' and no one consulted the instructions before reviving her yet again ... so she was alive but surgery was no longer an option.

We called our brother ... he arrived around 1:00 in the afternoon so we all had the chance to say 'good-bye' and were with her as they removed the respirator. She died about 3pm on Good Friday ... with an amazing expression of joy, delight, and peace on her face. As I sat with my siblings afterwards ... we decided we needed a plan to remain connected now that we wouldn't gather with mom for special occasions.

Then & there we committed to 'sibling night' ... the 1st Friday of each month we'd meet for dinner in San Juan Capistrano ... midway between where my sister & I each lived and my brother's home in Oceanside. We followed through until my brother grew to ill to make the monthly trip. That's when my sister & I designated Thursdays as 'sister night' and started to meet weekly around 4:30-ish.

Mom's buried in Mesa, Arizona next to Dad ...
just where she wanted to be.

* * * * *

Click here (or the Slice of Life logo) for other participants
and here for others participating in Heads or Tails this week.

Thought for Today
"Some mothers are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together." Pearl S. Buck

FunMonday#5 & Slice of Life#1 - A Hero in My Life

(Thanks to Betty for this nifty Fun Monday graphic)

Fun Monday is hosted this week
by Kitten ...

She asks us to write ...

"about the Super Hero in your life. Not from TV, but anyone that has been or is in your life that you have really looked up to or has made a impact on your life. It can one or many. You can share pictures if you like. Just have fun with it."

6:30am - I've just found this week's 'invitation' and possibilities swirl in my mind as I consider who to select ... my brother, dad, sister, mom ... 5th grade 'exchange' teacher ... the Methodist minister from my younger adult years ... any one of my aunts on my dad's side of the family ... or various 'mentors' and/or 'colleagues' throughout my years as an educator ... a neighbor I admire & respect highly ... or any number of friends in my life? I'm wishing I'd found the challenge last night so I could have 'slept' on it and awakened 'inspired' ... but, alas, here I sit ... sipping my 1st cup of coffee ... realizing I need to just make a decision and begin. Ah ... and as I re-read the prompt I notice it gives me permission to write about 'more than one' so I'll continue to type and see what my fingers come up with ;--)

My brother was 9 when I arrived on the scene in 1945 ... so he would have been in 4th grade. Having taught kids of that age who experienced 'a baby entering the family' gives me a 'frame of reference' to understand what that must have been like for him from his perspective. I suspect he took it 'in stride' without being 'interested or involved' any more than necessary.

I recall watching (and eventually helping) him fold newspapers to deliver each morning before school. He was an 'asthmatic' kid who tried not to let 'breathing problems' slow him down ... and in those days we had no 'medicine' to assist ... so he learned 'mental methods' on his own and kept going no matter what. It was 'the family way' of dealing with life ... do what you can with what you have where you are and never give up.

D was smart ... but 'bored' with school most of the time. He did 'enough to get by' ... earning Cs unless he was intrigued by the subject matter (or teacher). Then he 'excelled' earning As. As things had been for my dad, there wasn't much 'middle ground' in his view. Issues were 'black & white' and his 'positions' on them 'clear-cut' with no room for 'shades of gray' ... leading to many a 'heated' discussion with others (including myself until I developed some perspective of the 'process' and 'disengaged' emotionally during such 'academic' discussions).

When I was 12, he taught me to play tennis and to water-ski ... mainly so he'd have someone to retrieve the balls on the court and to ride 'observer' in the boat with his friends; however that's how we became 'friends' for life. I've written before of his experiences in the Air Force at the age of 17 which compounded his 'health' problems and his adult life ... (#61-64 in 101Things About Me).
He married in his 30s ... had two boys ... moved to Arizona for his health ... worked as a Civil Engineer even though his education focused on Electrical Engineering ... and eventually returned to Southern California in the mid 1980s.

Throughout our lives we spent 'quality time' together on a regular basis ... because 'family' was important to us all. His presence in my life helped me become who I am today ... doggedly determined in the face of adversity ... undeterred by 'distractions' when I maintain my 'focus' ... doing my best consistently and always trying to improve. Of course, I'm still 'who I am' ... the eternal optimist looking for the good in all things ... but in a bit more 'grounded way' because of his 'reality based' approach to life and living. I miss him every day ... even as I'm grateful he isn't 'suffering' any longer.

Click for others participating in Slice of Life Sunday
Yes, I know it's Monday

* * * * *

Well ... it's now 7:15am ... and I've written about just ONE of my 'heroes' ... but methinks that will have to suffice for now because I'm hungry and want to eat breakfast. I'll save the other 'stories' for another time.

Click for others participating in Fun Monday this week.
Next week's host is Sauntering Soul.

Check in at Mel's too ;--)

Thought for Today
"Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one." Jane Howard

Saturday Stuph Shared

I'm picking up a couple of my Red Hat "sisters" at 11:15 to drive to a Valentine Luncheon, so I'm a bit "crunched" for time.







Molly wants a walk and isn't taking "In a little while" for an answer. Does she know it's a Red Hat Saturday I wonder?





(In the spirit of full-disclosure, this photo isn't actually of my sweet fur-friend, but I'm in a rush and it looks enough like Molly
to BE her ... sort of ... and this IS what Molly is doing right now ... staring at me expectantly).

I plan to do a "real" post here later this afternoon, so this is a "tide-me-over" to whet the appetite and/or explain where I am
& what's up. Below this is a T-13 on "Healing Affirmations" and a Haiku Friday on "MSN Email Woes" in case you missed them. I did create a 2nd belated Haiku at Sacred Ruminations this morning "On Change" ... but for now, it's a glorious day so Molly and I are headed to the beach!

I hope you're having a wonderful weekend too!

* * * * * * *

6:41 PM addendum
Our walk was fun this morning even though we didn't go to Dog Beach since I didn't have time to give Molly a bath afterwards and pick up my friends on time. Perhaps we'll do that one day next week if the weather stays warm enough.

My visit with the ladies was delightful and lunch delicious. I enjoyed catching up with what everyone has done since the holidays. We celebrated my birthday and another gal's early with cupcakes, but I brought mine home because I didn't want to count the points.

I'm back home with Molly and Ms. Kitty ... checking email and responding to comments ... hoping to read a few blogs this evening before I shut down the computer for the night.

My sister and I finally connected for a phone chat after playing telephone tag for the past several days. They enjoyed their visit to Disney World and Epcott, spent a day at a local County Fair, and are now camped along the ocean somewhere near Daytona where I understand the race is to take place this weekend making their RV site more expensive than usual.

My MSN email is still messed up but I'm planning to devote some time tomorrow to that problem. Hopefully I'll make some progress on that front.

Imaginative Ideas

"It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards."
Lewis Carroll

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities."
Theodor Geisel (aka Dr. Seuss)

"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see."
Henry David Thoreau